25 of the funniest quotes from Peter Kay's Car Share

Watch more of our videos on Shots! 
and live on Freeview channel 276
Visit Shots! now

With the final episodes of Peter Kay's Car Share coming to the BBC in May, fans have been eagerly awaiting an answer to one of comedy's biggest will-they-won't-they stories.

To tide you over until the unscripted special and the grand finale, we've compiled 25 of the funniest quotes from the hit show.

Crank up Forever FM!

Hide Ad
Hide Ad

Kayleigh: “My problem is, my clock’s ticking now and my eggs are already nearly past their use-by-date. If I don’t get a spurt on, they’ll be whoopsed!”

Kayleigh: “Sushi isn’t fish, John. It’s wrestling.”

Kayleigh: “I was sat in my onesie picking crisps out of me teeth, thinking, ‘I bet Beyoncé doesn’t do this.’”

Photo: (BBC)

Kayleigh: “You’ll be telling me dinosaurs existed next. Bones schmones, you’ve been brainwashed! They just look ridiculous, like stupid, and they weren’t in the Bible. They weren’t at the Nativity, they weren’t on Noah’s Ark. The stories don’t match!”

Kayleigh: “The only hell I know is standing in the middle of an aisle trying to get people to sample my Mini Cheddars.”

Hide Ad
Hide Ad

John: "If me Dad ever saw a hearse he used to have to hold his collar until he saw a four-legged animal."Kayleigh: "How annoying."John: "You’re telling me. He was an undertaker, got sod all done."

Kayleigh: "I snogged a tinker with moobs. He had really rough skin on his hands. Must’ve been from spinning all them waltzers.”

Kayleigh, on Wizzard's 'I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday': "I actually believe the words because I do wish it could be Christmas every day."John: "If it were up to me it'd be every four years, like the Olympics."

(Photo: BBC)

Kayleigh: "I’ve got summat for your arm…" John: "Painkillers?" Kayleigh: "Creme Egg!"

Hide Ad
Hide Ad

John: "How do you know what’s right for me?"Kayleigh: "Well, I know it’s not that slapper."John: "I thought you were friends?"Kayleigh: "We are!"

Kayleigh, On Beyoncé: "She's gorgeous! I'm not a lesbian, John, but she would get it."

[Playing the Post-It game]Kayleigh: "Do I have an afro?"John: "Yes."Kayleigh: "Am I Snoopy?"

Kayleigh: “I’ve not got much to show for my time on this Earth, John. 36 pairs of shoes and a set of Babyliss crimpers.”

(Photo: BBC)

John: "Anaphylactic?"Kayleigh: "I don’t know her name."

Hide Ad
Hide Ad

Kayleigh: “I’d like to see you parading around in a pair of leggings when you’ve mislaid your Spanx.”

Kayleigh, eating a full-English breakfast: “Scrape through those beans and there’s a phone number for the British Heart Foundation.”

[Attempting to return a monkey to the zoo] John: "What's it doing now?" Kayleigh: "Oh, it's just eating a Worther's." John: "Well get it off, it'll choke! We can't bring it back if it's dead." Kayleigh: "Oh, it's just spat it out. It doesn't like them either." John: "No bugger does."

Kayleigh: "It's just a waste of money. I'm sure it could be put to better use."John: "Like?"Kayleigh: "Well the vending machine's been stuck on Scotch Broth for a month."

(Photo: BBC)

Hide Ad
Hide Ad

John: "I told you to stay in the car!" Kayleigh: "Alright, ISIS!"

[After a mystery liquid sprays onto John]John: "It smells like Red Bull. It smells like sweet 'n' sour. Is it sweet 'n' sour? What is it?"Kayleigh: "It's just a sample."John: "A sample? A sample of what?"Kayleigh: "My urine..."John: "It's in me mouth!!"

[Kayleigh misunderstands the term 'dogging'] John: "How was you make-up party?" Kayleigh: "It's next week, I got my weeks wrong. I just went dogging instead." John: "Come again? You went dogging?" Kayleigh: "Yeah, I went with me neighbour. There was nothing on telly so we just up the back field." John: "Dogging?! As in, 'dog-ging'?" Kayleigh: "Yeah." John: "Well you've opened my eyes."

John, on Mariah Carey's 'All I Want For Christmas Is You': "She says that's all she wants for Christmas, but I bet if that's what you got her on Christmas morning she'd lose her frigging mind!"

Hide Ad
Hide Ad

Kayleigh: "I just found a C+A bag full of Kinder Egg toys shoved in a glory hole!"

Kayleigh: "Dave Thompson? He's an N-O-B head!"

Kayleigh: "Shall we play the 'yes no' game? John: "No." Kayleigh: "I win."

Peter Kay's Car Share will return for a one-off unscripted special on Monday, May 7 at 10pm on BBC One. Then a full second series repeat of Car Share on Monday nights will conclude with a brand new series finale to be screened on the second Bank Holiday, 28th May.

Related topics: