Upper Nidderdale

Jan Robinson

01423 755233


Happy Christmas everybody: and thanks to those who have sent in information to our community column over the last year. Hope you enjoy my annual Christmas ode:

Christmas Day Chaos:

It’s 4am. What’s that noise?

OMG! It’s our girl and boys,

They’ve found their stockings, I hear shrieks of delight,

Don’t they know it’s middle of t’ night?!

Hubby groans “Oh it’s far too early!”

“Too late” I moan “here comes Shirley”

Face covered in chocolate and very broad grin

“Santa’s been Mum! How did he get in?”

Freddie follows - what a sight!

Togged in Darth Vader outfit - he gives us a fright

With his light sabre sword poised at the ready

To do some damage to his favourite teddy!

“Jake saw Santa’s sleigh ride across the sky!”

“Did you sweetheart?” was my tactful reply,

They climb into our bed “Where’s your stocking Dad?

Has Santa not been? Have you been bad?”

Now five in a bed is a bit of a crush

Especially with three kids on a sugar rush!

Then my Gran calls out “Is somebody there?”

“It’s only Santa” I reply in despair!

Then just as I’m dreaming of Dave Hasselhoff

The bloomin’ alarm decides to go off,

“Turkey time!” hubby says - then rolls over

Whilst I pull on his old pullover.

I crawl out of bed to stuff the turkey

Compared to myself, that bird looks perky!

I don my Marigolds to remove t’ turkey’s liver,

“It’s Celebrity Jungle trial!” I think with a shiver!

The dog pesters for t’ giblets - I give in to his pleas,

“Well at least your free of festive fleas!”

I pat it’s head “Merry Xmas Tarquin!

Who gave you that name? They must be barking!”’

I’m like a faulty Sat Nav as I fly round the place,

Peeling spuds, basting t’ turkey and washing kid’s face,

My multi-tasking resembles Road Runner on steroids

It’s enough to start off my haemorrhoids!!

Dad comes to nosy “By ‘eck something smells good

Have you put t’ sixpence in t’ Xmas pud?”

“Not since Mum choked - but sixpence is tight

It’s a pound now Dad - inflation’s started to bite!”

Hubby asks “Is that pheasant I brought under t’ grill?”

“No my darling - we are not eating road kill!

I know the cat often drags home a dead rabbit

But please don’t copy it’s primeval habit!”

“I’m a hunter gatherer, like they say in t’ books!”

(I give him one of my special looks!)

“I’m being Alpha male - as in days gone by!”

“But cavemen used spears not a car!” I sigh.

“Anyway what’s that rattling round in t’ pan?

Sounds like a NASA lift off!” jokes my man,

“Your puddings are boiling over!” he chirps with a grin

“Cheeky!” I retort “I must need a bigger tin!”

The turkey’s cooked and to cut down on t’ strife

Hubby produces his boy toy - an electric knife ....

Impersonating Jack Nicholson in that film The Shining

This is what I’d call the lower end of fine dining!

“Chillax Babe! Let’s have some fun!”

(The laid-back Xmas male would be my Room 101)

Then blood spurts from his finger, making his pallor fade

“Hold it up in t’ air - I’ll go get the First Aid!”

“Is t’ dinner ready?” asks Dad “my stomach’s churning ...

Are these sausages and bacon supposed to be burning?

These pigs need a fire blanket under this grill

Blimey! That smoke alarm’s got a deafening shrill!”

Gran enters the kitchen turning off t’ hearing aid

“Well, I’ll remember this Xmas! Glad I’ve stayed!

It’s quiet at home, I don’t see much action

But could you turn that noise down - just a fraction?!”

Dinner’s ready at last - the table looks great

So we all gather round to celebrate,

Darth Vader’s helmet’s removed for the turkey Fest

Prompting a loud reaction and dramatic protest!

We pull Xmas crackers and groan at the jokes

Then wear silly hats like all other folks,

“Awesome!” shout t’ kids when we set fire to t’ pud

Followed by silence. Mmmm! It tastes good!

Then hubby goes wild when he opens his present

“A day racing cars!” his joy’s effervescent!

“I considered a bungee jump” I unashamedly mock

“But I didn’t think your bowels would stand the shock!!”

Then t’ kids entertain us with their Xmas floor show

A donkey dancing Gangnam Style - it’s legs in full flow!

Mum rolls with laughter, clutching her heart

“I’ve not seen one like that at t’ Auction Mart!

Gran enjoys their energy and a (second!) mince pie

Then falls asleep - with her hat just over one eye!

The dog goes crazy as electric train starts up

Whirling round and round like an Andrex pup!

It’s sent out in disgrace for chewing Dad’s new socks

Whilst t’ youngest just plays with a cardboard box!

Then Shirley bursts in - “Mum quick come and see,

Mog’s had kittens - I’ll call them Holly ‘n’ Iveee!”

Now any women reading this, will know what I mean

As it’s mostly down to us females that Xmas is seen!

But it’s a wonderful chaos - a great family day